The Civil War Simplified:

"At daybreak a heavy white mist shrouded the battle site at Olustee in a veil of mourning. Pines rose eerily skyward, stewards of the land once soaked in blood as the Reb's and Yank's guns spat hatred at each other. Cars from every state lined both sides of the narrow hard road winding its way through the Florida flat woods.

In the pale deceptive light people perched on car hoods and tops, in the back of pick up trucks and sat in lawn chairs along the roadside. Each year the crowds grow larger. They come to celebrate the Olustee Festivel, sell their home made crafts, drink home made wine, eat true southern cooking and dance in the streets, all the while awaiting the Grand Climax, the reenactment of a war.

From behind the curtain of fog a cannon shattered the stillness, a man screamed and the war was on. Miles away as muskets began to thunder and dawn burst into glorious swirls of reds, golds and blues I huddled under sheets atop a stretcher in a hospital Emergency room. Come with me and learn, as I did while gripped in the feverish clutches of Enfluenza, how the Civil war was actually won/lost. No, my friends, we didnt lose, the yanks didnt win, it was Horse Sabatage!

Witness a well lighted and spacious Emergency Room. High long counters serves dual purposes, those dying or at least feel they are can lean upon it while giving the names of their Insurance Companies and next of kin to the rows of receptionists seated behind it.

Burst of cool air: Enters a Rebel Soldier with entire left side splinted in small branches and twigs tightly bound with gause and aided by Buddy Soldier. More cool air. Elderly gent in overaralls and ancient black hat rushes in to Wounded One. "Nephew, hit's me, yore Uncle Claude. D'ya know me, boy? Yore whole life haint flashed in front yore eyes, air hit"? "I gotta set down, Uncle. Muh bones is busted m' I got a hole in muh bread basket" moaned Nephew weakly. "Howdjew get that hoss patootie all over ya' son"? asked Claude, neatly sitting Nephew by slamming a chair against the bend of his good leg. "Come outta the hoss" "An you a pouring sweat, boy. You soaked to the bone" "That come outa th' hoss too" "Miss" Claude addressed the receptionist, "This here's muh Nephew...say son, you belonged on top th' hoss, not on th' bottom where all them gadgets air...where wuz you aridin' ennyhow"? "Ahangin' on his tail" Claudes boney frame jerked in surprise. "Fer what"?? "Head man tole me to" "Fer what"?? sputtered Claude. "So's the yanks couldnt spot me and I could keep on playin' and havin' a good time"

Receptionist with a very pronounced Northern accent broke in "Sir, are you from Columbia County"? "Shore haint" She waits expectantly, then peered over her glasses at Nephew. "Well, are you here visiting relatives"? "Shore haint" (ER is filling up with Soldiers, their murmmerings explaining the nature of their wounds filter through my bed sheets... "My horse was supposed to drag me through the brush to our lines but when I grabbed his tail he bit half my elbow off...when I grabbed my horse by the tail he sat down on me....my hoss run just fine, hit was the hoss behind me that kept stomping me...") "Sorry honey" a passing nurse smiled at me, "We'll get to you as soon as the war is over"

Receptionist rather sharply to Nephew "Sir, your wounds are serious. Answer the questions as quickly as possible. Now, where are you from"? "Head man said I caint tell nobody nuttun' cept my rank n' serial number" Nephew muttered stubbornly. "Sir" she spoke in a carefully controlled voice, "Game time is over. I cannot stand blood and you are bleeding profusely along with the foul gas you are emitting. I also cannot stand corpes. I will ask questions and you, Sir, will answer them imediately with no more fooling around" "Afoolin"? Nephew bleated weakly, "Who's afoolin'? Haint muh shoulder unhindged? Haint muh ribs caved in? Haint muh knee on crooked"? "About the wound, Sir, what happened"? "Hoss drugged me over a root an hit jooged a hole in me" "How deep"? "Clean to muh chittlin's" "And what", she asked icely, "is a chittlin"? "He means his intestaments, little lady" Claude offered helpfully "Muh innards, muh guts" a white faced Nephew whispered. "Oh God" gasped the Receptionist turning a pale green "Does it have debris in it"? "Nope, just some dirt n' leaves n' grass..." She held up a restraining hand "Ok, ok, that will do" (more foul gas escapes from the wound with a warning hiss) Receptionist gagged, recovered. "Quickly, what have you eaten today so the Dr will know what type of anesthesia to use"? "Fer breakfast I had collard greens, runny eggs n' taters n' fer dinner I had two six packs o' coors n'... "I only want to know what you've eaten today!!" she shouted angrily. "It's only 9:30 am"!! "n squirrel and another tater..." "We et dinner a mite early today" Claude said huffily. "Any more injuries"? she asked misserabley. "Muh foots busted" "And how did that happen"? "Hoss stood on hit" "And which foot did he break"? "The one he wuz astandin' on"

Three oclock came and went. So did the Soldiers. I lay on the stretcher shivering with fever, barfing in bed pans and learning my Civil War history. Finally a bedraggled nurse came for me. A good old boy in a yankee uniform stuck his head in the door and asked no one in particular "Anybody know where the rest of the soldiers are"? "Surgery" the nurse answered wearily. "How's the war coming"? "It's over said the yank, "Over"? she asked in surprise, "why"? "Havent got anyone left to play with. There're all down here" "Who won"? I asked through chattering teeth. "Who gives a crap" replied the Northern receptionist bitterly. "Peers to me th' hosses whupped both sides" allowed Claude. "Them hosses agin men afightin' each other n' they put a stop to hit. Hosses won"
(Personal material, do not copy any part of this)